I went to a wedding shower this weekend.
First off, why do they call them showers? I enjoy showers. I do not enjoy wedding showers. Or baby showers, since we’re on the topic.
However, if you get my family in a room, on any occasion, something is bound to happen.
it’s why I love them
It’s also why I never go around them in public. just kidding.
Now I’m all about sharing my experiences with the few people who follow me. Because why wouldn’t you want to everywhere I am? exactly.
Awkward hellos are always the best part of wedding showers. My family is a family of huggers. I am not a hugger. I have personal space and I will cut you if you enter my space without permission. but I hug my family. The strangers I was just introduced to though? Nope.
So instead I pulled out my bitchy don’t even think about it vibe and created a few awkward moments.
After introductions, more awkward silence.
Hello, that is my dream come true to just insert my foot into my mouth.
Excerpts of the shower:
– don’t touch that, I will cut you
– I’m not above killing you
– YOU’RE OUT OF THE FAMILY
– Did you say something? I couldn’t hear you because YOU’RE NOT RELATED TO ME.
– A serious conversation went on about the Kentucky Derby and I’m sorry but if you take the Kentucky Derby seriously, I cannot take you seriously.
I got distracted thinking about how ridiculous a conversation about horse racing and tiny men is so I will move on to the next part of my entry.
Advice I created from this wedding shower:
– don’t go to wedding showers. Don’t go ever. Not if it’s your best friend, not if it’s your sister. Unless it’s for you, then go. Because you’ll get presents. Except then no one will go to yours because you didn’t go to theirs but that is probably for the best.
– If you didn’t take my first advice seriously, don’t play wedding shower games. It will ruin your relationship with your cousin because she is a cheating whore and should have been disqualified.
– Drink. A lot. Wine makes everything better at a shower. So does vodka. And rum. And you get the point. You need a drink. unless you have a drinking problem. Then I’d suggest not going to wedding showers.
– Don’t talk about sex to fill an awkward silence. You’ll end up knowing things about your mom that you never wanted to and you can’t come back from that. Ever.
– Don’t buy something that isn’t on a wedding registry. Not ever. That’s why there’s a registry. People deal with enough during weddings. Faking enthusiasm for your wine plate or crocheted cup cozies should not have to be part of it. Plus, why gives a wine plate? guess what I do with wine? I drink it from the bottle. and yes, I AM single but whatever.
– don’t try to make friends. Those girls will kill you. All of them. Unless you’re at some super cool wedding shower at a pub, but if they’re having a serious conversation about the Kentucky Derby, you probably aren’t going to make friends with those girls. Because you write a blog. And hate horses.